I Don't Want Him To Be Born



Photo by Louisa Stokes


For the past few months my attention span has been, in some cases, limited. This is very much the case when it comes to my hospital bag - 38 weeks and 4 days gone and my hospital bag is still not packed!

Whenever somebody has asked me "Why on earth isn't it done yet???" I tend to fall back on my go-to excuse for all things I've previously procrastinated on: I didn't have the time.

Well, considering pelvic girdle pain (PGP, formerly known as SPD) has made me housebound, we all know that is not the case. Thankfully nobody has pointed that out to me yet - I have been saved the embarrassment of having to shuffle my feet and "Oh, erm... well..."

The truth is, I'm not sure I want this baby to be born.
I want this baby safe and healthy, and I'm worried about what will happen to him once he's outside.

At the same time I want nothing more than to go into labour tonight, or tomorrow, so I can recover from this horrid PGP and fully resume my parenting duties to the two wonderful children I already have.

Goldilocks's behaviour has deteriorated a lot since she's gone back to school and I can't help but blame myself for that - I genuinely believe she's behaving the way she is (increasingly wild, hyper and unreachable) because I'm not taking her on the school run. It's not her fault, but she isn't reacting well to this change at all.

We already know the baby will have an NG tube passed at birth and will be in SCBU, but we don't know anything else because we don't know what's causing the stomach to appear the way it does in the scans (if visible at all, very small). The reason we don't know is because in all other respects, the baby appears normal and my fluid isn't raised to a level where it would be a concern.

This should be almost good news but to me it isn't - it's just a continuation of what this entire pregnancy has been since my 20 week scan. I'm almost not prepared to give birth until I know what's going on!

But at the same time, I can't keep on going like this forever. I'm not used to people doing this much for me for a start, but it's distressing seeing other people have to take over for you because you just can't do it.

The same as with everything else, it's a case of "Tough Shit" and I've got about half-way through packing my hospital bag. My checklist is printed and I'm marking things off as they go in, literally putting one or two items in at a time.

Here's to hoping I can hold it together and not go into a blind panic when I realise I'm in labour - or invest in a very large cork and a pelvic transplant.